I was fine. Absolutely fine. Nothing was wrong, and that was what was wrong. My feet were tired, sure, but my legs had a lot of bounce left. I had at the very least another loop in me. 31 miles passed by in a relatively short, uneventful 7 hours. It may have been a little under 7 had the bottleneck of folks resigned to walk every hill not started on the bicycle path. This is the nature of the beast though. I've destroyed myself many a time by running the hills I should have been walking. Ultras are a very, very different beast.
Folks who ask and receive my disheartened answer say that my bravery alone sets me apart from the masses. I toed the line with some great runners and amazing people. People who, I found, had more tenacity and grit that I have yet to harness. Roughly 50% of us wouldn't make it to the end, but few ended the suffering where I did: loop 1, 31 miles in, 69.6 miles from the finish. Bravery's definition has limitations, and I'm fairly sure merely showing up and going for a moderately long run whilst falling 2/3 short of your goal distance isn't covered, even in the most extreme of cases. We don't say the same of those who make it to Everest base camp and turn around. "Ah, well at least you paid the money to climb the mountain. That counts for something!" No, it doesn't. This was my Everest, and I did just that.
We who partake in these long distance endeavors know that there is something wrong with us. The issue can be debated as to where exactly the disconnect within our psyche is, but we've all got it. There is a short list of things that one must be able to do to successfully complete an ultra-distance run. Luxuries such as mental clarity, foresight and reasonable doubt have no place on an ultra course. I've taught myself to be a proverbial goldfish on the trail. Thrive or survive aid station to aid station. Break the distance into many smaller distances. Divide and conquer like a true warrior. You have to remember to forget what you've just seen and done or you are in for a bad time.
Even with this ability, forgetfulness, I mean, I still get myself in trouble. It was at mile 55 of Laurel Highlands 70 mile that I first met myself. I'm an ugly person, deep down. I have a terrible defeatist attitude, a dark, scathing glare and the whine of a 4 year old girl. What finally brought me face to face with myself was what pulled the plug at OC: foresight. Laurel is a beautiful hell. The first 20 miles consists mainly of all the elevation gain that is acquired throughout the entire 70 mile course. Once you reach the top of the ridge it is nothing but gorgeous, secluded wilderness trail and rocks. Rocks. Rocks. Rocks and more rocks. They tax your body and your mind equally. I can remember the trail very vividly. My surroundings, however, were a giant green and brown blur. (Eventually, I will give this trail the attention it deserves and take a few days to backpack it.) At mile 46 I was tired. I sat so long eating soup that they threatened to charge me rent for the chair I was occupying. At mile 46 I was also very scared; the next stretch was 11 miles of the same beautiful bleakness we'd just been traversing. At mile 54 I read the mile marker as "55". At mile 55 I read the mile marker as "55" and I lost it. I walked the next mile, listening to disembodied runners mumbling behind then beside me. I sat to let them pass, and 15 minutes later a lone Canadian came to my aid. He was hurting very badly. I can't remember if he truly was using a stick to walk, but in my memory he was laboring along, using it to take the weight off of his legs. Talk of Canada and their eventual takeover of America spurred me on to the aid station at mile 57. I had called my wife to tell her that I was dropping. I couldn't move faster than a crawl, I told her. I was well ahead of the cutoff, but had nothing left. This was the truth. I was tapped out. I sat at the next aid station where I wasn't allowed to drop until I sat and thought. The gentleman who had pulled me out of my stupor had moved on, hobbling as he went. I sat eating Ramen by the cup, sucking down chocolate milk and water. 13 miles remained, and between my fellow ATR member Ben Mazur showing up and the aid station crew pushing me along, I set my mind to finish it. It hurt. A lot. I've never been so angry at an aid station crew in my life. Even the downhills were uphills at this point, and his insistance that the rest of the way was downhill when, in fact, there were 3-4 tiny uphills in the last 6 miles made me furious. The end came, I received my mile marker, watched Ben and Todd do the same and went home. My knowledge of pain until this point was nothing. I thought I knew what it was to hurt during a race. I was naive. It was the knowledge of the agony of finishing that brought me to my knees. Foresight.
I'd like to think that this newly acquired knowledge of suffering had no bearing on my decision to remove myself from the OC course at such an early stage, but I'm sure it did. I also knew it was 85 degrees out with no air movement in the woods. The humidity had soaked my body in the first 5 miles and the chafing was unbelievable. I'm not a heat runner. I avoid it, both by choice and necessity, from late Spring to early Fall
by training in the morning. This is a habit that I will change. Heat did me in on my Lost Turkey Trail training run and it was working on my body and my mind now. I know for a fact that I had one more loop. I should have continued. I will never know now what would have happened over the next 70 miles. I was thinking mainly of myself, but also of my wife and my pacer who had and would have to drive 3 hours only to have me swept or drop. I thought about my dog who was at home in her cage all day because I was here, doing this stupid repetitive activity. I thought about the 50 miler I have on tap for November. This was the sole problem: I THOUGHT. Running is a selfish sport. Ultra running is borderline personality disorder type selfishness. You disregard the thoughts and feelings of your loved ones as you train for and run these races. The foresight to know, even if I just wanted to believe it, that I would not survive the next 70 miles given the conditions, coupled with a very rare unselfish thought process is what did me in.
Or is that even the truth? Maybe DNFing is the single most selfish thing I have done and ever will do in my lifetime. Self preservation defined in one solitary action.
There is too much raw emotion entangled with my decision to sit and dwell. What I have decided is to offer up no excuses. It was hot? I could've gotten over it. My feet hurt? Could've gotten over it. My brain was ablaze with self doubt? Easily conquered. It was my decision. I own it. I pulled myself out of a situation that, ultimately, I didn't want to be in. I am choosing to avoid the rabbit holes and stay on a level plain.
This is where the ultimate truth resides.
As ugly as it is, I must admit to myself that I simply didn't want it. That's it. That's all.
Folks who ask and receive my disheartened answer say that my bravery alone sets me apart from the masses. I toed the line with some great runners and amazing people. People who, I found, had more tenacity and grit that I have yet to harness. Roughly 50% of us wouldn't make it to the end, but few ended the suffering where I did: loop 1, 31 miles in, 69.6 miles from the finish. Bravery's definition has limitations, and I'm fairly sure merely showing up and going for a moderately long run whilst falling 2/3 short of your goal distance isn't covered, even in the most extreme of cases. We don't say the same of those who make it to Everest base camp and turn around. "Ah, well at least you paid the money to climb the mountain. That counts for something!" No, it doesn't. This was my Everest, and I did just that.
We who partake in these long distance endeavors know that there is something wrong with us. The issue can be debated as to where exactly the disconnect within our psyche is, but we've all got it. There is a short list of things that one must be able to do to successfully complete an ultra-distance run. Luxuries such as mental clarity, foresight and reasonable doubt have no place on an ultra course. I've taught myself to be a proverbial goldfish on the trail. Thrive or survive aid station to aid station. Break the distance into many smaller distances. Divide and conquer like a true warrior. You have to remember to forget what you've just seen and done or you are in for a bad time.
Even with this ability, forgetfulness, I mean, I still get myself in trouble. It was at mile 55 of Laurel Highlands 70 mile that I first met myself. I'm an ugly person, deep down. I have a terrible defeatist attitude, a dark, scathing glare and the whine of a 4 year old girl. What finally brought me face to face with myself was what pulled the plug at OC: foresight. Laurel is a beautiful hell. The first 20 miles consists mainly of all the elevation gain that is acquired throughout the entire 70 mile course. Once you reach the top of the ridge it is nothing but gorgeous, secluded wilderness trail and rocks. Rocks. Rocks. Rocks and more rocks. They tax your body and your mind equally. I can remember the trail very vividly. My surroundings, however, were a giant green and brown blur. (Eventually, I will give this trail the attention it deserves and take a few days to backpack it.) At mile 46 I was tired. I sat so long eating soup that they threatened to charge me rent for the chair I was occupying. At mile 46 I was also very scared; the next stretch was 11 miles of the same beautiful bleakness we'd just been traversing. At mile 54 I read the mile marker as "55". At mile 55 I read the mile marker as "55" and I lost it. I walked the next mile, listening to disembodied runners mumbling behind then beside me. I sat to let them pass, and 15 minutes later a lone Canadian came to my aid. He was hurting very badly. I can't remember if he truly was using a stick to walk, but in my memory he was laboring along, using it to take the weight off of his legs. Talk of Canada and their eventual takeover of America spurred me on to the aid station at mile 57. I had called my wife to tell her that I was dropping. I couldn't move faster than a crawl, I told her. I was well ahead of the cutoff, but had nothing left. This was the truth. I was tapped out. I sat at the next aid station where I wasn't allowed to drop until I sat and thought. The gentleman who had pulled me out of my stupor had moved on, hobbling as he went. I sat eating Ramen by the cup, sucking down chocolate milk and water. 13 miles remained, and between my fellow ATR member Ben Mazur showing up and the aid station crew pushing me along, I set my mind to finish it. It hurt. A lot. I've never been so angry at an aid station crew in my life. Even the downhills were uphills at this point, and his insistance that the rest of the way was downhill when, in fact, there were 3-4 tiny uphills in the last 6 miles made me furious. The end came, I received my mile marker, watched Ben and Todd do the same and went home. My knowledge of pain until this point was nothing. I thought I knew what it was to hurt during a race. I was naive. It was the knowledge of the agony of finishing that brought me to my knees. Foresight.
I'd like to think that this newly acquired knowledge of suffering had no bearing on my decision to remove myself from the OC course at such an early stage, but I'm sure it did. I also knew it was 85 degrees out with no air movement in the woods. The humidity had soaked my body in the first 5 miles and the chafing was unbelievable. I'm not a heat runner. I avoid it, both by choice and necessity, from late Spring to early Fall
by training in the morning. This is a habit that I will change. Heat did me in on my Lost Turkey Trail training run and it was working on my body and my mind now. I know for a fact that I had one more loop. I should have continued. I will never know now what would have happened over the next 70 miles. I was thinking mainly of myself, but also of my wife and my pacer who had and would have to drive 3 hours only to have me swept or drop. I thought about my dog who was at home in her cage all day because I was here, doing this stupid repetitive activity. I thought about the 50 miler I have on tap for November. This was the sole problem: I THOUGHT. Running is a selfish sport. Ultra running is borderline personality disorder type selfishness. You disregard the thoughts and feelings of your loved ones as you train for and run these races. The foresight to know, even if I just wanted to believe it, that I would not survive the next 70 miles given the conditions, coupled with a very rare unselfish thought process is what did me in.
Or is that even the truth? Maybe DNFing is the single most selfish thing I have done and ever will do in my lifetime. Self preservation defined in one solitary action.
There is too much raw emotion entangled with my decision to sit and dwell. What I have decided is to offer up no excuses. It was hot? I could've gotten over it. My feet hurt? Could've gotten over it. My brain was ablaze with self doubt? Easily conquered. It was my decision. I own it. I pulled myself out of a situation that, ultimately, I didn't want to be in. I am choosing to avoid the rabbit holes and stay on a level plain.
This is where the ultimate truth resides.
As ugly as it is, I must admit to myself that I simply didn't want it. That's it. That's all.
Great write up. The Canadian with the stock was not an hallucination. His name is Stephan Miklos.
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