My realization that I had been living a proverbial dream life came months ago. My acceptance of the relinquishment of this life came slowly and painfully. Even still I try to capture and hold onto the slightest remnant of what I used to have.
In my early adulthood, I had fostered a sort of free-wheeling, fulfill your every dream mentality that led to the creation and destruction of many good things. I had bought into the rhetoric that you'll hear at any institution of higher learning; the pump-up song, if you will, that keeps you paying the exorbitant tuition.
Currently, my time is split between my work and my home life. Mind you, I love them both very much. The latter, of course, more than the former. Unfortunately, this leaves very little time for the other life I left behind.
Having the opportunity to spend the day at the DK trail race yesterday left me with that empty feeling of an ended relationship. I was able to be there, to spectate from a slight distance, but I was unable to immerse myself like I once had. I saw the suffering and the hard work that went into the planning, execution and actual participation in the event; for the first time, I felt the disconnect. The mud, the cuts and the pain belonged to everyone else. My only discomfort was a slight chill from the incessant wind. I captured some pain and joy in pixels, but the translation didn't quite reach through the filters and lenses of the camera.
For the time being, I know this is how it has to be. I hold out hope that I'll get back into it eventually. My dreams and plans for both the local running community and Fox Trot continue to grow, but for now I am a bystander.
I miss it. I miss you all very much.
